Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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