ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
