how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
