the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
