Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Randomize