First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
