He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I didn't notice because vodka
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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