im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize