Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
