The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
