does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
