K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
