just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
