Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Randomize
