Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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