do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
