I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Mom said you looked used
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
