What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
