Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
