on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
