And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Just fell off a train. Bad.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
