Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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