Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize