she looked like the bat from fern gully.
the condom got lost in my hair
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
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