your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
pop tarts are not kleenex
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I'm at about main and main street
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Randomize
