You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
