Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
