you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
