saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
try to milk me bitch
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
