I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Use "feeling words"
Yay
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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