it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
