there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
