I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Randomize
