I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Of course I have a pirate flag
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
