You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
