Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
