I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
