We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
FUCK WHALES
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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