We're facebook friends in real life
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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