So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
