Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I intend to get homeless drunk
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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