i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
