Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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