What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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