apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
