Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
