I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
