My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
it's like iHOP with fire
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
