are you still at the devil's house?
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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