I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
