I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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