im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
