its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
