my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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