after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
